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The Art Of Intimacy
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May 2008
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WELCOME
It seems that every year at this time my mailbox gets very busy with dating questions. It must truly be the season for love. A high percentage are about online dating, and the unique problems and concerns that can result from meeting in virtual space and time. I have found that certain issues come up frequently, so I thought it would be useful to address this topic in my May article- and help all my subscribers to be more successful in their online dating pursuits. This month I will be viewing the issues from a woman’s perspective. Guys, you may benefit from what I have to say as well- so read on.
If you need focused help with online dating, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Check out my services at http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, meeting and dating help and communication skills. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
For help with your online profile, email me at Toni@consum-mate.com
Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.com
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings."
FEATURED ARTICLE: Clearing the Common Hurdles of Online Dating
You have written your personal ad, and have researched the best sites to post it on. You feel confident that you know the type of guy you are looking for and believe your profile reflects this. Now you are ready to meet the man of your dreams, right? Maybe not. Your ad is the first important step, but if you don’t know how to make it really work for you, then it’s likely you will encounter a lot of frustration, and perhaps end up feeling as though there are just no good men out there- at least not any that are interested in you. Before you decide to stay home with a good book or movie and popcorn- I’m going to talk about the most common online dating problems, and offer tips on how to effectively deal with them. Once you identify which ones apply to you, and learn how to make necessary changes to your thinking, approach and/or your ad- you may suddenly find your inbox filling up with messages from the kind of men you are seeking.
Do any of these sound familiar?
• You spent a lot of time/effort on writing you ad and getting it posted- weeks have passed and you haven’t gotten any responses.
If you are experiencing this problem, your ad needs work. I know you are a great writer and offered lots of interesting information about yourself, so it can’t be your ad, right? Yes it can and most likely it is. Writing an online ad requires specific expertise that includes knowing the important do’s and don’ts that go beyond good grammar, spelling and sentence structure. I have already outlined these in another article, and you can find them at http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/04jun.htm#feature
• Your ad has been up for weeks and has only attracted the wrong kind of guys.
Again, it’s your ad- and not just the essay, but probably your short answers, headline and pictures as well. Somehow you are not being clear and/or consistent in your communication about who you are and the type of guy you are looking for. It could be that you are not offering a good description of yourself or are vague or contradictory.
Give careful thought to what you must have in a relationship- and what you can’t tolerate. With these parameters in mind, look over your short answers questions. Don’t put “any” too often. Be careful not to list a huge range in things like desired age, geographical distance or physical characteristics. If you are too open with these, it sounds as though you are looking for anyone- and readers will not get any real sense of your wants, priorities, etc. Make sure that whatever answers you put are consistent with your essay. For instance, don’t say you are open to kids and then talk about how your kids are grown and you are looking for someone who wants to travel and share an active adult lifestyle.
You want to make an “emotional connection” with the right readers. Be clear, specific and genuine.
• You’ve been actively winking or sending an email to guys who catch you eye, but never hear back. You’ve been winked at a few times, responded- then never heard anything back from them. What gives?
Many guys will not respond if they look over your profile and are not interested. Rejection is very much a part of dating- and you need to be prepared for it. Otherwise, your confidence and ability to stay upbeat may become compromised.
If a guy winks, you wink back and then never hear from him again- it’s likely he has already begun a cyber relationship with someone else. Did you think about it for days or a week or two before you responded? Or he may have taken a second look at your ad after you winked back and changed his mind about pursuing you. Things move fast in the world of internet dating- and unless you move quickly with them you can get left wondering “what happened.” It’s also important not to build anyone up too fast, too soon. Nothing means anything until it does…
• You connected with a guy and corresponded via email and phone for a couple of weeks. You felt a good connection and strong mutual interest. Then he vanished without a word or any warning.
There are several possible explanations for this kind of behavior. The first is that he was “talking” to several women he had met online- and decided that there was one that stood out from the rest- but it wasn’t you. Another possibility is that he had been seeing or involved with someone and had a recent break-up before you two connected. He was not over this past relationship- but was attempting to deal with his feelings by jumping right back into the dating pool. Suddenly the ex contacts him or he decides on his own that he isn’t ready to date again- but doesn’t know how to tell you, so he disappears. It’s also possible that he was interested in you but his interest began to fade as you got to know each other better. He decided he just wasn’t that into you.
• After he had disappeared for awhile, he reappeared with no explanation and wanted to pick up where you left off.
His recently returned ex became an ex again, he realized that the other woman he had decided to see exclusively would never be “the one,” and/or he did like you but had mixed feelings and wanted to give it another try. The only way to know is to ask him, which will also give you some good information about how open and emotionally available he is- or is not.
• You saw his ad, really liked it, but didn’t get around to answering it for a week or two. When you went back to view it- it was gone.
As I stated in tip #3, things move fast in Internet dating. If he’s attractive to you, you can bet other women will be interested as well. Take a moment or two to wink or send a quick thought. If you wait, some other woman will get there first.
Lastly, a few words about taking your cyber relationship offline. It can be difficult to know when to suggest that first phone call, or to share last names, career information or anything of a more personal nature. Then, after you have moved through some of these other milestones, there is the dilemma of when to bring up the topic of meeting in person, and where, how, etc this should occur. There is no one formula for moving from an online to offline relationship- however, I have written some useful guidelines to help you with this important next step. You can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/06may.htm
Now you should be all ready to get out there and have a fun and productive online dating experience. Feel free to email me at Toni@consum-mate.com and tell me how it is working for you.
END NOTES
Millions of singles are going online every day looking for love and relationships - and a growing number are finding that right someone. It takes more than luck and good timing. They have learned to maximize their online presence and make it work for them. Hopefully this month’s article can help you to put your best, true self forward- and bring out that inner dating diva in time for the busiest dating season of the year.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2008 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
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© copyright 2008, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com