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The Art Of Intimacy
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June 2008
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WELCOME
Dating season is in full swing. Maybe it’s all the weddings that take place this time of year, or the warm weather that leads us to shed both our clothes and our inhibitions. There is just SOMETHING about the summer that turns our thoughts to love and romance.
A couple of months ago I wrote about “Extreme Dating,” and offered tips for jump starting your dating life. This month I will share the story of one client who took these tips and ran with them- straight into several months of active meeting, dating and fun relating with the potential for more. Read on to see how these same tips could be used effectively by you.
If you need focused help with your dating life, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Check out my services at http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, meeting and dating help and communication skills. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
For help with your online profile, email me at Toni@consum-mate.com
Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.com
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
“I've been on so many blind dates; I should get a free dog.”
FEATURED ARTICLE: Extreme Dating- One Client’s experience
She had recently come out of a 10 year, on-again, off again relationship with the man who was her first real love. Over those years, they shared much- but distance, differing lifestyle choices and personality styles led to a slow death. She had never been ready to really let him go- but when she called him on his last birthday- a woman answered who said she is his wife- and suggested my client not call again. It was an experience that left her reeling and devastated- and sure she could never feel that way for anyone else- ever again. The thought of dating just brought up feelings of loss- and she grieved and thought of him constantly as she feared she would never be able to really move on.
She then decided to try online dating- at least to put together a profile and check out the available men out there. It was slow at first- and she rarely received a nibble, which reinforced her belief that love was not in the cards for her. About this time, she called me and we set up an appointment. After we briefly discussed her past relationship, I went online with her- to look at her profile and the men who had been suggested as matches. We also focused on the ones she had an interest in, what had attracted her to them- and why she hadn’t been drawn to some of the others. After a second look, she responded to a few more.
After we went through this information, I recommended a profile overhaul- pictures, headline, short answer responses and, her essay. Her profile did not do a good job showcasing her special qualities- and the picture was very unflattering. We worked on the profile together, discussing the important elements and what to highlight, and what to get rid of. We also talked about handling online meetings and taking an online relationship to that first meeting and beyond. I covered some of what she should expect- upsides and downsides to meeting men online- and we worked on helping her have an open attitude that would help her to deal with the inevitable ups and downs. We also looked at ways she could meet people through pursuing her many interests and leisure time activities- and I emphasized that she pace herself, and not overbook or commit to things just to be out. We also discussed her readiness to be out in the dating world, and assessed her needs now. She established a goal of meeting men for fun and friendship- and decided anything else would only come slowly, and only when she met someone whom she felt a real connection with.
After her profile was redone and she posted a few very nice photos- she began to get some quality responses. In the first week she met a man she was attracted to, and he was also someone she felt she had a lot in common with. After several months they are still dating- even though she isn’t convinced he is the one, she enjoys spending time with him. She has communicated with a number of guys, some of whom fizzled out or disappeared, others whom she has seen a few times.
When I asked her how she is dealing with her grief over her ex, she responded that it has helped so much to know that there are other guys out there that interest her, and that she thinks less and less about the past. She is also getting out a lot more and genuinely enjoying herself.
Her story is a great example of how well “extreme dating” can work. She made a plan and threw her energy and time into it- and she now has a fairly active and satisfying dating life. It may be months or much longer before she meets someone who could be that someone- and in the meantime she is having fun and healing from her painful break-up.
If you want to really charge up your dating life- assess where you are now, where you want to go, and make a plan that you can follow through on. A couple of months ago I wrote an article on Extreme Dating. If you missed it, you can find it at: http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/08mar.htm
If you want to read up on writing a great personal ad or how to take your online relationship offline, go to:
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/04jun.htm#feature or
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/06may.htm
END NOTES
I want to thank my client for allowing me to share her story and, in doing so, help others who have given up on dating and/or despaired of ever meeting that right one. If this article resonates with you, remember that you too can change your luck and change your life. There is no better time than summer to jump headfirst in the warm and wonderful waters of happy dating.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2008 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2008, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com