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The Art Of Intimacy
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June 2003
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WELCOME
Happy May, everyone. Has nature's pace in bringing in this season slowed your attempts to put your relationship building plans together? If so, remember there is still time to arrange those vacation plans and/or schedule those favorite or new activities you'd like to participate in.
Summer is a wonderful time for kicking back, getting outside and just indulging in new adventures. Of course, it is at times like those, that you have some of your best opportunities for meeting that Mr/Ms Right.
So pursue what you love, or try out some new things you have always had an interest in. If you are truly ready for love, these experiences will optimize your chances of finding it.
Due to the many requests of you, my readers, this month's featured article deals with relationship readiness. Isn't it often said, "timing is everything?" While I can't agree that it's EVERYTHING, it is very important. For if you are not ready, love will come and go without you.
If you need help with building your relationship, check out the eclasses at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm. If you have questions related to building a relationship, consider sending them to me at the Ask The Coach column. Each month two questions are selected to be answered on the site.
Thanks again for all your input on my Site Survey and Questionnaire. Anyone who would like to offer suggestions on topics for eclasses, articles and/or features on the site may do so by going to my site survey and questionnaire pages.
Thanks for your subscription to The Art of Intimacy. The list has grown by thousands, thanks to all of you. A special thanks for forwarding this newsletter to a single friend or acquaintance.
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started out with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love."
FEATURED ARTICLE: Are You Relationship Ready?
So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?
Not necessarily.
So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.
How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?
There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.
1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.
You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.
As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.
If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group.
An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.
2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?
If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.
For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?
Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.
Remember you present different selves: at work, with family, with friends, in gatherings with acquaintances.
If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.
3. Are your past relationships really in the past?
If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.
Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.
If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that leftover issue.
4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?
We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you.
Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.
Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without.
You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.
Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I think I'm really ready to meet that someone, yet I keep meeting and dating guys that share similar problems in relating and making a commitment. Is this about me, or them?
A. The short answer is that it is always about both of you. However, you cannot change or control how others choose to think or be. Therefore, I'll address my response to the "you" in the problem.
You may feel ready to meet Mr. Right, yet somehow you keep meeting and picking Mr. Wrong. This is where you should focus your attention. Ask yourself:
When you have the answers to these and other important questions, you will seek and attract the kind of man you are looking for.
Q. I'm an attractive single guy who dates quite a lot. Yet, as soon as a woman shows real interest, I start to feel anxious. I'd like to meet "the One", but I'm basically afraid of commitment. Am I ready or not?
A. It seems to me that you have already answered this one for yourself. You are afraid of commitment and leave a relationship at the first sign of it. You don't appear to be ready (yet).
However, you come across as someone who wants to get ready and would like to be in a committed relationship someday.
I'd suggest that you begin by examining the origins of your "commitment phobia." You may have to go back to the relationships of your parents and other significant role models. Also examine your own relationships. Have you ever been "in love," or thought you may be. What happened?
Somewhere in your past you developed a negative beliefs regarding intimate, committed relationships. Developing insights into where there beliefs come from will help you to confront, challenge and change them.
END NOTES
Hopefully, this issue will be helpful to you as you determine your level of relationship readiness. Remember to do an honest inventory of your needs and feelings regarding the areas outlined above. Once you have done this you will know you are ready to meet, date and mate that right person for you.
If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you in determining your level of readiness, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Also check out the eclasses that deal with this important issue at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
RESOURCES
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http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com